A friend (who we shall call Angua*) of a friend (who we shall call Lara*) needed to close a bank account and wrote them a letter. Angua then sent Lara the letter for it to be proof-read. Lara almost suffered a coronary from laughing too much and did what any friend would do. Sent me the mail. I almost suffered a coronary reading it. Am putting it up here so that you all may suffer coronaries. Names and numbers are being changed in order to protect Angua’s true identity. I simply MUST find her before you lot, see……

Read on and if you’re eating and drinking at this moment - STOP NOW.

Ref Account Number: R1GG5-15-HOT
Dear Sir/Madam,

Please close this account with immediate effect. Any further charges that are liable for this account should be written off as I’ve already paid you more than enough of my hard earned cash for all the charges you consistently dream up to apply to an account that hasn’t been used for over a year.

As you can see from my address I live overseas so it’s no good posting me a letter advising me that you are charging me for some other erroneous service in the vain hope that it will reach me in anything less than a fortnight.

If there are any ‘problems’ with the simple matter of closing my account (which, knowing The Woolwich, they will be many and varied) please contact me on my mobile phone number xxxxxxxxxxxxxx (Ha!)* rather than sending me another missive by post because I’ll then be able to avoid any extra charges you will no doubt summon up for the time and effort it has taken to open this letter only to realise that you *gasp* can’t help me until I send it in triplicate, signed in blood and delivered by hand by an A- List Hollywood star.

I’ve been informed numerous times that you ‘can’t’ converse with your customers via email at the Woolwich, (which must make you the only company on the planet for whom this is the case being as it’s 2007 and not 1927 – as an aside it’s good to see you championing the archaic ‘hard copy via postal service’, a much under-used form of communication here in the 21st Century – can’t think why everyone isn’t doing it, it’s so fast, non time consuming and convenient) but I’d like a confirmation, in writing, to one of my email addresses to confirm that the account mentioned above is, indeed, now closed.
I’ll solve the ‘lack of email access’ problem for you and suggest you get someone in a position of authority to pop along to a local internet café and drop me a quick line (and no, I won’t pay for the internet café’s charge. I’m sure The Woolwich can just about manage to shoulder this cost). My email addresses are angua@hotmail.co.uk and angua@laingorourke.com .Take your pick.

I’d like to point out at this juncture that I’ve spent over one hundred pounds sterling on the phone to your delightful Customer ‘Service’ staff over the last three months trying to get this account closed and the random, whimsical and ever increasing charges on my dormant account stopped once and for all. I wonder if you could assist me in claiming these costs back from The Woolwich? To this question I’m sure I can guess the answer because us mere mortals can no more plunder the money we are genuinely owed from the coffers of institutions such as The Woolwich than we can bounce to the Moon on a space-hopper made from cheese.

Kind Regards,

Angua.

* for more on Angua - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angua

* for more on Lara - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_croft

* that Ha! was me.

Right. More after I’m back from surgery. I’ve had to rewire my jaw from laughing too much.

Rigged/-